My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
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I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one