i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
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You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.