When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
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Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.