If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
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Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?