my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
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“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose