Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
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Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Mhm.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.