I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
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The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Milk Cube
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming