If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
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I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My birthstone is kidney
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.