[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
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For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better