Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
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cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…