I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
You Might Also Like
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
i think both sides are to blame here
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.