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day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!