I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
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[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
That’s enough internet for the day
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.