Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
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Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
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The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Smile they said.
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Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
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when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
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the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.