The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
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I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
This was the best day of my life
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
*weighs self after shaving
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”