@i_Lean FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
@AnkCoupleTO [she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
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@i_Lean 
@bazecraze I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
@squirrel74wkgn [at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
@fro_vo Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
@LipLush1 You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
@Brampersandon_ LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
@whatsJo [first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
@girlfr0g [spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
@obviousplant_ You can’t outrun your problems…
@timdonakowski “We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs