[she comes home with a doggy bag]

Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*

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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane

ME: This is my therapy ham


I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.


Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*


You can extend the olive branch..

but you can’t beat them over the head with it


LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit


[first date]

him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”

me, a mermaid: can we just go


[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes


“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs