There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
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Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight