Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
You Might Also Like
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
[eulogy]
line?
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Happy Star Wars day!
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971