My oldest chicken is going through henopause
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Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
me linking you to my twitter
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.