6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
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Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.