I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
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This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Lucky old June.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.