Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
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VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.