*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
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Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.