day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
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I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?