he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
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i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Me trying to reach for my goals
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal