Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
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look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.