SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
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*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Oh thanks BBC.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Battery falling down a hole
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.