Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
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“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]