“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
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If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.