My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
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I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Only a mother’s love …
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
That stupid look on my face, is my face
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…