the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
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Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.