I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
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honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Warm pools make me nervous.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.