{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
You Might Also Like
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.