The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
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Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
It do be feeling this way.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
This is I, Robot all over again
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?