My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
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Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”