I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
You Might Also Like
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Erm…
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it