This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
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It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
This rocks
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Autocarrot sucks!
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Oops
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.