Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
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*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Found the job I’m suited for
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla