@FierceMess

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

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@audipenny

A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”

@internetluke

In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

@That_Damn_Duck

At McDonalds

Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them

Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap

@junejuly12

It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.

@patsatweetin

What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?

@coketruck76

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go

@mommajessiec

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

@DBMaxP

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

@cravin4

When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener