Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
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KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.