Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
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Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER