@beardedsaffa Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
@FierceMess Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
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@beardedsaffa 
@UncleDuke1969 Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
@Adam14 Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
@frigginfrench two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
@hipstermermaid Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
@chetporter *shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
@jwoodham You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
@WilliamRodgers Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
@Anniewritess The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
@PaulyPeligroso Dudes named Chance never had one.