@FierceMess

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

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@beardedsaffa

Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises

Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out

@UncleDuke1969

Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.

@Adam14

Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!

@frigginfrench

two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???

@chetporter

*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing

@jwoodham

You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.

@WilliamRodgers

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

@Anniewritess

The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.