Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
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Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Potatoes were such a good idea
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.