[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
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❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat