[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
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Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Kids: Stay in school.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
it’s the silliest best thing
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers