Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
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Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow