My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
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ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
I have written yet another poem about laundry
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”