My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
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Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.