the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
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My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Was it something I said?
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..