I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
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ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.