[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
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My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
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Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.