*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
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Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?