The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
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At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method