The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
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ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably