Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
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Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.